Omg guys, it's been soooooo long since I came here. Missed me? Hahaha. I guess not. In any case, I'm back. Well, the reason I've been for missing for two months was because I was wrapping up project presentations, taking a break from all the stress before exams, then exams came and left, and then came my attachments which were pretty fun!! Really enjoyed it this time round. In between my attachment I had to squeeze in dance practices which really just occupy almost 40% of my time. I swear, they occupy my time so much more this year. Like three times more.
That's about 70% of concrete reasons why I didn't blog.
The 30% left are.. uh.. excuses. Simply because I was caught up in my dramas again?? And I had late nights because of it which let me to wake up late and the cycle continues. I was also kinda frustrated because I couldn't update regularly with events and those that I have posted past few months are always dated quite far back. It left me feeling frustrated that I couldn't keep it as up-to-date as I wished, that every new post wasn't something fresh and new that happened in my life. Over time, I just started losing the motivation to come here because I wasn't meeting those expectations I set for myself. It may sound silly to you, but I can get real serious and maybe a little obsessed over stuff like this.
Gosh, and now that awesome feeling of sorting my thoughts out when I blog comes back and it's feeling just... awesome. It's like I can plan about things I want to blog, for instance, daily events, and something else can just pop up and.. I type it out like the previous paragraph. Letting my thoughts flow literally. Something in me just gets lifted up somehow(?) when times like this happen. I don't even know if you understand what I blog sometimes. I try to convey the feelings that I experience during an event as much as I can. Most often it's happiness, because that's the emotion that should be shared right? You don't normally see me write about events with unhappy emotions unless I do learn something from it or I want to remember it. I have the pressure of making this a happy place because the world is just - harsh. At the same time, I also want/need a space for those negative emotions. There are always times where you can't find a person that you think can listen to you when something unhappy happens.
For me specifically, I don't want to trouble people sometimes when it's a really busy period or, I just don't want to. And well, there's the mood and atmosphere issue. Like sometimes it just doesn't feel right to start on a specific topic. There's also the thinking-too-much issue with girls. For example, 'can I trust this person with what I want to say?' We think twice, thrice and more. Even when h2h talks start, if it's not with the right person, mood, place, time (this is subjective, meaning the feels), you just feel like you can't start breaching the topic. Is it just me or what? Because I feel that there's also different levels to h2h talks. Just, different levels of intimacy. Like, different levels of deep. How much about yourself do you actually feel you can talk to others about?
I think having the right person that you're really close to is the most important thing. Then nothing matters, not the place, time or maybe even mood. If you feel like it, you can just talk. Hey, when I say that the place doesn't matter, I don't mean in a crazy raving environment where you have to speak louder than your normal voice. Nope. Unless, you're fine with it, then really, nothing matters. When the person is just next to you, all you have to do is talk. A friend told me, ' it doesn't matter how long you have known a person. You can know someone for years, from childhood, but you don't have h2h talks with her. But once you meet someone you feel is right, you can have h2h talks that you don't even tell your longest friend.' It makes so much sense.
But sometimes, just sometimes, I can't take that step to talk about things. That's when this space becomes sort of a really personal diary where I spill things out. I want people to know, yet not really. Haha, contradicting. It's still a form of talking to someone right? Of course, I don't exactly spill EVERYTHING out because this platform is public. Unless, I'm in a rage. Usually, after blogging about some unhappy stuff, I'll find a chance to talk to someone and get things off my chest. This is just a platform to ensure that I temporarily don't go crazy from keeping things to myself. And I do get comments from friends who ask if I'm okay after they read some unhappy posts on my blog. Truly, I feel touched by them. Thank you for all of the concern, I really do appreciate it. (Keep them coming! Haahah.)
I do hope blogging can continue to be therapeutic for me and maybe find my own colour in blogging(?). To not be washed away among all the hype of blogging stars. People have asked if I aim to be like them, and I have thought of and tried to. Who doesn't want to get some attention, be recognized, and at the end of the day, earn some quick keep? It's all seems so easy but it's not. I don't have any experience of this but there are famous bloggers to prove that. God, me imagining doing what they do already gives me stress, and no, I will not put myself through that. I love my little world of life. I have always been trying to find my own style of writing and maybe I have already found it. Take it easy, why give stress to something I like to do? Just write.
If by the end of this, you are okay with reading about a life of someone like me, then you are very much welcome. (:
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