Turmoil

My mind is in a whirl, it's thinking about so much stuff that I almost can't keep up. I thought about so many things I planned to write in this space on the way home after buying lecture notes; but now my mind is stuck. Right, I just remembered. I'm in one of those situations again. I guess it was naive of me to think this kind of thing won't happen again. I wonder if I'll forget this, but I most probably won't. Then again, it has happened so many times that it really won't matter if I do. Again, what's the point of remembering. Ah whatever. Thank god I'm not in a worse situation. Like, coupled with things from school 'cos I don't know if I can handle any more. At times I wonder, what's it like to be born in a family free from financial burdens? I could have what I want: fabulous clothes from high-end brands, scrumptious food, spend enough time with friends. Not all the time, but you know, just enough. 

I'm not resenting anyone for being born into this family, or blaming any family member for our situation. Like hey, why didn't you study harder in the past? No. Because I shouldn't. Plus, past is the past. Present is the most important. Still, I've a lot of things to get off my chest.

I've had to be on my toes for any financial problem ever since I was in Primary 5. 'Cos that was when I was allowed to keep my own savings. I suppose before that they always took my ang bao money. I don't blame them, it was necessary. Besides, that money never came into my hands so of course I didn't feel a thing when it was used. After I actually started my own savings, I felt like I saved for nothing? Because every time I saved about $100 or $200, it was taken away. I don't even remember clearly if that money was returned to me. All I remember was that feeling of saving for nought. I guess it never returned to me or else I would've have more now. I remember I was pretty angry because my savings were always taken away hahaha. I may sound money-minded but put yourself in my shoes, how would you feel if the money you had saved up so hard for were taken away? Not very good huh. 

Money was always tight in my family. I really have to thank that for making me a damn good saver. I knew situations like these would always come, and I was worried, and afraid. So when I was finally of age to open a bank account and work legally, I started to save even more seriously. Whatever pay I got, I would set aside 1/3 or 1/2 of it as savings. I didn't need much as a student, so it was fine with it. Friends around me would spend all of it off eventually, but I can't. And it's a good thing. I have to save for rainy days, days like these, where my money would have to be touched to tide over the poor finances. Even if it's temporary. And because money is not ever-flowing, I'm constantly searching for ways and means to save more, earn more. Even if it's just a little bit, For my future.

People my age can already go overseas a couple of times. Sometimes with family, sometimes with friends. OF COURSE I want to do that, I WANT TO. However, when I think about how that money could be put to better use, I put off those wants. But it's always at the back of my mind. All those wants. Occasionally, I get so tired of having to constantly tell myself 'no'. And then I start to think, 'why do I have to be like that?' Yeah, why? So at times I really just want to let myself sink in despair, wallow at myself in self-pity hahaha. And I do. Then I get up again. Life goes on. Time never waits.

When life gives me shit, I want to throw it right back and curse all I want at it. But I'm scared it gives me worse shit. So I continue to deal with whatever. Sometimes I don't know what's my purpose for studying. What's my purpose in life? I guess to make sure I don't run out of money. Hahaha. Hell, sometimes I think the last person to understand myself is myself. Sometimes I think, I'm crazy.

I still don't know if I really like nursing from the bottom of my heart. However, I do love nursing patients. Honestly, almost everyone was pushing me towards this course. So much so that I was angry and frustrated. But they told me nurses would have a stable job in future and I can grow to love it. So I complied. I didn't know what I was getting myself into but luckily I didn't get much of a shock. Hopefully I'll really grow to love nursing. Hopefully. But only if I somehow manage to untie that knot that's in me. One that prevented me from truly accepting. Friends have asked me to change course, but how? Changing would mean a year worth of school fees wasted. Money in this household is limited. Like a reservoir cut off from its source. 'Then why did you choose this course?' Because I didn't know what else I could do. I did have interest in sciences and art but my aggregate wasn't enough to get the course in a good poly. And my parents didn't want me to go to RP. Furthermore, I'm sort of a one-way track person who learns by the books. And nursing does require one to learn from books. 

Currently, I'm still on my one week break which ends in a few days. After which my first Year 2 attachment will start. ... I have to try harder. Part of the reason I didn't apply for sponsorship like many others was because I don't love nursing, not from the bottom of my heart. There, I finally said it. If I don't, It means I won't be able to give my best in studying and if at some point in time I really fail *touch wood*, I have to pay back the money I got from the hospital. Where would my family find such money? The thought of being tied down for 3 years also didn't appeal to me. 

There is also the part about NYP's practical assessments. EVERY ASSESSOR, and I do mean EVERY ONE OF THEM, assess students DIFFERENTLY. It angers me every time I think about it. What's the use of all those lecturers meeting together regularly if they can't sort out their standards and come to an agreement? I pity us nursing students. We are almost always left indignant after a practical assessment. Why? Because AGAIN, different lecturers have DIFFERENT WAYS OF TEACHING. How frustrating. Some might say, 'this part is not that important, you won't be tested' or 'you don't need to know this'. But lo and behold, it was tested! I can't help but heave a sigh and roll my eyes in disgust. Feeling so indignant. Such is the life of nursing students.

It has been a while since I wrote a heartfelt post hasn't it? Such a lengthy one at that. This hit close to home. I'm thankful for this space that let me think I'm really letting the public know something about me. I still feel that I have more things to say, but this much will do for now. Not how I expected to end this post, but this is how it turned out to be.

-peace-